an ounce of peace (is all i want for you)
by samandfreddie
Summary: he doesn't go after her because he knows what she said and he knows what she means. sam&freddie


**_author's note: non-chronological order. quotes from the book 'the english patient' by michael ondaatje. title is from the song 'hate me' by blue october. review and tell me what you think. disclaimer: i don't own what i don't own. eiddes. {lauren)_**

x

 _the heart is an organ of fire_

x

they were nine when they stumbled onto an old park a couple of blocks away from bushwell plaza.

it was only the two of them, because carly had went to yakima for the weekend to visit her grandfather with spencer. she had told them sternly, with her hands on her hips like a mother scolding her children, that they were to get along and not fight while she was gone.

sam had groaned and moaned but eventually gave in. after all, she only listened to carly. freddie ignored her less than kind muttering about _'being forced to hang out with a dork'._

so there they were. bored out of their minds until sam suggested walking around seattle in search of the best hotdog vendor. he had simply shook his head and followed her out the door.

they had been walking for a while until they found the park, which wasn't really a park, considering its so-called playground consisted only of a pair of rusty, old swings that creaked dangerously when they had sat on it.

freddie had tentatively swung, nervous about the unstable contraption. sam, on the otherhand, it seemed, was determined to touch the sky, her right arm stretched upwards as she swung fast and high, making the swing set shake violently.

"sam! stop it, you'll get hurt!" freddie unsuccesfully scolded her, gripping the chains on his swing so tightly his knuckles turned white.

sam merely laughed, "live a little, freddork!" she swung even harder.

"i'm serious, sam! ― " freddie's eyes widened, seeing the chain of sam's swing snap before she could, " ― sam!"

she felt herself fall but she didn't feel herself land, at least, not hard.

slightly shaking from shock, sam's eyes widened as she saw freddie underneath her, groaning in pain and quite possibly, at her weight, seeing as she sat on top of him.

his right elbow was scraped and there were various cuts all over his arms as well as on his chin. one corner of his lips, too, was bleeding slightly. the worst of all was probably the back of his neck, because when she scrambled off of him to help him sit up, she saw some blood staining his collar.

freddie didn't seem to notice his injuries, however, because he was busy scanning sam from top to bottom.

"are you okay, sam?" his voice was filled with genuine worry and sam felt her eyes prickling with tears.

freddie, mistaking her glassy eyes to be caused by some sort of wound, immediately panicked and went to put his arms around her, ignoring the sharp pain in his elbow at the movement.

sam cried harder at this and put her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly as she buried her face into the crook of his neck.

"i'm sorry, freddie." she sobbed as he hushed her, stroking her hair softly, and her voice ringed in his ears. "i'm so sorry."

x

he accidentally finds her kissing some guy in one of the janitor's closets, one day, when he was trying to hide from miss briggs who had been monitoring the halls for late students.

he was panting as he opened the door hastily, meaning to hide as soon as possible only to be met with a sight that had his heart dropping to the floor.

sam had her arms around his neck, her lips swollen and her hair mussed from obvious reasons. when the light from the open door shone over them, however, her usually bright blue eyes opened with an empty look.

they widened slightly with surprise and some other emotion he couldn't name when she saw freddie standing there, looking at her with darkened eyes, but she closed them soon after, pressing herself harder onto the guy who did not even notice his presence.

she made some noise in the back of her throat and he shut the door on them, then, and leaned against it, suddenly feeling weak in the knees. the image was stuck to his eyelids, like the way the light of the sun lingers behind your eyelids when you stare at it too long.

miss briggs gave him a week's worth of detention after she found him but the punishment went right over his head, because he was unable to focus on anything but the way sam had looked at him so sadly, so beautifully ― reminding him of the serenely tragic paintings of angels he used to see inside the church whenever he went to sunday mass with his mother.

she looked at him like how resolution and adoration and resignation would look like all together ―

like surrendering to a tragedy.

x

he lets his eyes scan over the gym carelessly, refraining from releasing a sigh. it's senior prom night and so far, it is boring him to death.

his eyes immediately find sam, in her pretty gown that fluttered in different shades of ocean blue and left her eyes more beautiful than ever.

she is sitting all alone at one of the tables and he sees her, yet again, turn down another request to dance. there is a fire burning in the pit of his stomach as another person approaches her for the same reason that so many previous people have, but he can't blame them for trying because sam is enchanting tonight. like a lovely vision of a siren.

he goes to sit beside her, not because she looked lonely but because she had smiled at him so softly when he caught her eye that he feels something beckoning him to her, like a magnetic pull. like an inevitable reaction.

he offers her his hand, and she takes it. when their fingertips touch, the air crackles with intensity, and she let go of his hand immediately once she was steady on her feet.

he walks her home and although they didn't dance once the entire night, his insides stutter elatedly at the thought that he was the only guy who had the privilege of asking for her hand and receiving it.

x

he enters the shay loft late one evening, with the intention of working in the icarly studio like he had informed carly earlier that evening during dinner, when something stopped him in his tracks.

sam was sprawled on the couch and on her side, one of her legs hanging off the edge of the sofa and one hand tucked under her cheek, sleeping deeply as the lights from the television flickered with different colors and reflected on her face.

as quietly as he could, he approached her form and knelt beside her face, studying the way she looked so peaceful when she slept. undisturbed and indifferent. oblivious and carefree.

beautiful and sad.

he softly stroked her cheek, before whispering something into her ears and quietly going up to the studio.

moments later, a single tear falls from a corner of sam's closed eyes.

x

he finds the slip of paper wedged in between the books inside his locker.

the paper was obviously torn from a notebook, and slightly crumpled, as if it had been clutched too tightly. the color of ink used on it was green and he immediately recognized the handwriting as sam's.

there were only two words written in it.

 _congratulations, dork._

underneath the note, there was a brown envelope and he immediately recognized the seal belonging to one of the schools he had applied to, the one that he wanted to get into the most and yet, the hardest to do so.

 _congratulations, we would like to inform you that you have been accepted ..._

he reads the acceptance letter twice. he reads the note eight times.

x

he is sitting out on the fire escape, one night, when she comes out and sits beside him.

he takes one look at her and immediately recognizes the tell-tale signs of her crying. her eyes were rimmed red and she was gritting her teeth hard as the corners of her lips shook.

and though he knows the answer he will receive, he still asks her _what happened?_ , and _are you okay?_

he closes his eyes when she croaks, "nothing."

because he knows it's not her fault that she can't bring herself to trust him, to trust anyone ― not even herself.

x

he tells her he loves her the night before he leaves for college.

carly had respectfully left them both alone with a lame excuse of helping spencer and a not-so-subtle wink of encouragement at his direction.

sam had either not noticed or simply ignored both, remaining silent as the door shut behind carly.

the words dropped out of his mouth ungracefully, clumsily ― but with all his heart.

she had not looked the least bit surprised and had stared straight into his eyes, bold and unashamed. and suddenly, before he could see them form, tears were running down her cheeks and her trademark smirk that he loved so much quivered as it softened into a trembling smile.

before he could try to comfort her, his head hit the back of the couch with a thud and sam was kissing him hard, painfully hard, even. and though he could taste the salt in her tears, the bacon she had been gnawing on earlier, and the metallic taste of blood from her bitten-down lips, he kissed her back just as hard because this was all he had ever wanted and more.

soon after she had kissed him, she shoved him away in seperation, and the daze he felt was only cleared when he heard her trying to choke back her sobs.

"sam ― " he started only to get cut off with a chaste kiss on his cheek. her lips burned hot against his skin.

she was sobbing but she was trying her damndest to smile at him without her lips shaking and the sight broke his heart but not as much as the way her voice cracked when she whispered so fragile in his ear.

"i love you too, freddie benson."

and then she was gone, the door slamming behind her, a hair's breath away from snagging one of her blonde curls in her haste.

he doesn't go after her because he knows what she said and he knows what she means.

he reaches a hand to touch his cheek, the one she had kissed. it was still burning from her touch.

she had said, "i love you too, freddie."

he knows she meant, "i'm sorry."

x

he leaves for college the next day and although his mother, carly, spencer and even gibby was there to see him off, sam doesn't show up and he doesn't ask why.

he knows why she kissed him, why she left and why she wasn't there to tell him goodbye.

and just like when they were nine and sitting in front of the swings, he could hear her voice echoing inside his head.

"i'm sorry, freddie. i'm so sorry."

x

 _"I left you because i knew i could never change you. you would stand in the room so still sometimes, as if the greatest betrayal of yourself would be to reveal one more inch of your character." ― michael ondaatje, the english patient_


End file.
